Act 2:  Lowtown:  Party Banter
by Thessili
Summary: It's always embarrassing when your friends find out who you're crushing on.   Varric and Isabela tease Anders in this party banter that was cut from Act 2.*    *Not really.


**Many thanks to Zephyr5 for her red ink (even though she's not played DA2 yet) & girl_undone for checking the characterisations.**

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><p><strong>Act 2: Lowtown: Party Banter<strong>

"Hawke looks at you just as much as you look at her, by the way."

Varric stops daydreaming and glances at Isabela and the mage. Anders' cheeks are a bright red and he's turned away from the shop Hawke is inside.

"What?" the mage manages to splutter.

"_Mooning_." Isabela draws out the vowels, clasping her hands to her ample chest and fluttering her eyelashes. "Is that how _you'd_ describe her expression, Varric?"

Varric nods, taking a couple of steps closer. "That's exactly how I described it in my last story. Goes down a treat in the Hanged Man, gets me four rounds of drinks, minimum. '_Flush from battle, ample bosom heaving from exhaustion, Hawke leans against her faithful healer, mooning up into his warm, brown–"_

"Maker's breath, how many times have you told that story?" Anders interrupts.

"This week? About five." Varric shrugs, trying not to laugh at Anders' look of horror.

"I'd describe Anders' expression as more puppy eyes." Isabela tilts her head to one side, examining the stricken mage with apparent glee.

"Puppy? Right, yes, well, I'm a cat person, remember." Anders frowns, faint lines appearing on his forehead.

Varric laughs at the pout on his friend's lips. "Big brown eyes, that soulful look. I can see puppy eyes. Blondie just needs a tail to wag whenever Hawke appears."

"Oh I think he's got a tail he wags when he's thinking of Hawke, all right." Isabela's voice is a seductive whisper.

Varric glances past Anders, but the 'Ferelden Imports' doorway stays empty. "So, when do you plan to tell her, before or after the broody elf tries to kill you this week?"

Anders only response is to drop his face into his hands with a faint sigh.

"Well." Isabela beams at Varric. "I've got Fenris booked in for some... ahem - _tail wagging _- tonight - so the field is clear for some hot mage-on-mage action."

Varric clears his throat nosily. "Hmm. What a story. I'd start out 'The Amorous Apostate' with _'It was a beautiful dusk evening when the rebellious_–"

"But sexy," Isabela interrupts.

"_Rebellious, _but sexy_, apostate was moved to declare his throbbing love for the bashful, buxom_–"

"Look you two." Anders raises his head, his expression resigned. "I might like Hawke–"

"Love, Anders." Isabela wags her finger at the mage. "Pining for almost three years is _way_ past a crush."

"I _like_ Hawke," Anders continues, his brows drawing even tighter. "How can I not? She's kind, thoughtful, generous - a _brilliant_ mage–"

"Oh yes, and those _tits_." Isabela makes a cupping motion in front of her own generous curves. "Hawke's got a body just _made_ for fu–"

"Beautiful," Anders squawks out. His cheeks somehow manage to turn a deeper shade of red at Isabela's lewd gestures. "But none of that matters. I'm not right for her."

"See?" Isabela winks at Varric. "I told you he preferred boys."

Varric shrugs. "Huh, well, that's five sovereigns I owe you."

"Maker, no. I might have slept with the odd one or two men." Anders pauses and a faint smile wafts across his face. "Well, less than twenty anyway, if you don't count the Knight Captain. And the women, _well…" _ This time his grin lingers for a few seconds. "But that's not the issue right now."

"Aww." Isabela pouts, letting her hand hang limp from her wrist and jerking her arm in a flopping motion. "Your warden's got no taint? Your shimmy lost its spice? Your staff is–"

"Isabela!" Anders snaps.

"_That's_ not a problem according to Daisy," Varric confides to Isabela in a stage whisper. "You know Blondie went to heal up Hawke's chest wound the other day? Daisy noticed something 'strange' in his robes and was so worried, she asked me what it was."

"Justice is _hard_, indeed." Isabela wiggles her eyebrows.

"Andraste's flaming knicker-weasels!" Anders splutters. "Do _any_ of you talk about _anything_ besides my sex life?"

"Not when it makes you blush this adorable red colour, we don't," Isabela purrs.

Anders frowns, and flickers of light crawl on his skin, his eyes filling with blue magic.

"Oh, no. The boring one is coming out to play." Isabela folds her arms with a sigh. "Put it away Anders, no one wants to see it."

Anders takes a couple of deep breaths, forcing the spirit of Justice back down. Varric peers past the mage again to check whether Hawke is exiting the shop or not. Still safe. Although...

"_This_ is precisely why it's a bad idea to say anything to Hawke," Anders mutters, waving a blue-tinged hand to indicate that he is referring to the fade spirit.

"Justice only comes out when you're tense, right?" Varric asks, his eyes flicking back to Anders, away from the shadows in the shop doorway.

Anders nods, his chest still heaving from the effort of controlling the spirit.

"So what you need is some tension relief." Isabela chimes in with a gleeful cackle. "Really, Hawke'd be _doing_ _you_ a favour, every time she _does_ _you_."

Anders rolls his eyes. "Even if you're right and she does like me–"

"_Love_." Isabela practically sings the word. "No-one can pull those sickening expressions without being in love, remember."

"...even if she does, _I'll_ never tell her how I feel, and you know Hawke." Anders shrugs. "She's –"

"In need of a good rogering," Isabela crows.

"Oblivious!" Anders shouts over the top of Isabela's laughter. "She has _no_ idea I like her, so she'd never come on to me. And as much as I love her–"

"Ha!" Isabela points at Anders and nods to Varric with a smug smirk.

Anders sighs. "I just don't think she's the type to push me up against the clinic wall and snog my face off."

"Not that you've thought about this before then, Blondie."

"That sounds hot." Isabela rocks back onto her heels with a sigh. "Can I see that? You'd let me watch, right?"

"I just told you, I'm not going to push my feelings onto her, and she's not the type to come on to me...so, no." Anders' shoulders droop.

"She would if she knew you liked her," Isabela argues. "She might not be the fastest to catch on to these things, but once she _knew_, she'd have her hand down your smalls faster than one of those knicker-weasels you love."

"You think so huh?" Varric pats the purse on his belt. "I bet you ten sovereigns Hawke'll do it, Rivaini, and soon."

"I'll take that bet, because I think even _Kitten_ would notice his puppy eyes before Hawke ever will." Isabela spits into her hand and holds it out for Varric to shake.

Varric watches the faint swirl of a seagreen Spiral Eye robe in the shop doorway and grins, shaking the pirate's hand to seal the deal. "Easiest ten sovereigns I've ever made."


End file.
